Reluctant leader and bearer of the original ManBlast™ crotch machine gun, Lieutenant Tug Dixon is a lone wolf in a pack of coyotes. As a child, he never imagined that his testicular fortitude would one day propel him to a role as an elite science battle force leader -- only being recruited after a tragic-yet-awesome BMX accident. With the formation of CockMasters, this once-introverted loser is thrust into a super important leadership role.
This flame-throwing maverick with the rad mustache is a real man of action; he drives his Fiero fast, pumps his stereo loud, and treats his ladies right. Randy "Rugburn" Rancillo has built his life around the aspiration of being an elite science battle force leader, but his hot shot attitude and poor academic scores had stifled his fire. But when the ManBlast™ scientists put out a notice for brave CockMaster volunteers, he was the first to come forward to consciously man-up for the painful-but-honorable transformation. If Tug Dixon is the brains of the operation, then Rugburn is the burning heart.
Jermaine "Loadout" Bishop was recruited for his natural urban marketability (think Lou Gossett Jr. meets Mr. T). Once considered an elite amateur breakdancing champion, this massive but flexible hand-to-hand specialist can fuck up any turkey that gets in his way. And if that doesn't work, the big barrel between his legs will do just fine. Speaking solely in catch phrases, this black superhero can always be relied upon for an emotional charge.
Commodore General Wilhelm Scrotar is the twisted master of G.N.A.W. Always the outcast growing up, Scrotar tinkered with his transistor radio while the popular boys wrestled. Aligning himself with the far left, Scrotar rapidly climbed the liberal ranks to eventually become President of Greenpeace, where he was ultimately unseated for espousing outlandish conspiracy theories like "global warming." Operating in the shadows, Scrotar surrounded himself with evil techno-wizards intent on making personal computers smaller, faster, and connected all over the world. With such bizarre gadgetry, his capabilities are completely unknown--and the CockMasters prefer not to find out.
This Cockney demolitions expert has a thick accent and punk rock attitude. We cannot understand a word he says, but it's safe to assume he's hurling insults as he uses his wicked solar-powered chainsaw to cut down factory smoke stacks, attack the peaceful paper manufacturers, and promote his perverted "Project R.E.C.Y.C.L.E. which is no-doubt an evil operation.
The surface paints on the penile toy weapons contain excessive levels of lead, a violation of the federal lead paint standard. Incidents of nausea, vomiting, heart attacks and stroke have been reported. Whoo! Toys and Len Qui Manufacturing Ltd., of Hong Kong, China denies any wrongdoing and maintains that levels of lead paint were not excessive and within legal limits, to the best of our knowledge and belief. Nonetheless, the Consumer Product Safety Commission suggests that Consumers immediately take the recalled penis weapon toys away from children and contact Whoo! Toys for instructions on returning the product for a full refund. Whoo! Toys is not responsible nor liable nor in any way culpable for injuries that may occur while playing with CockMastersTM action figures including without limitation loss of vision, mental anguish, anxiety, social isolation or spontaneous outbursts of violence against other children that may or may not accompany memorable quotations from the classic Cockmasters television show. Whoo! Toys emphatically denies the allegations of Mothers Against Harmful Toys and is vigorously contesting each of the 246 judgements rendered against the company by judges whom we believe to have a singular vendetta against fun. Enjoy!